Voise

In The Midst

I am quite useless for most of the morning this August break, still waking up at the very least of noon, still angry at my inability to progress when reaching this final stage of college life. I still had this idea that there was a whole world of marvelous golden people somewhere, and just finished fantasizing about circus yesterday, though they are already diminishing and less funny as time passes, perhaps I am myself again.

I’ve been having the feeling of things half remembered lately, like vague memory. Be it a younger version of me, or the blueberry tart I just ate yesterday. It grew even stronger as I stepped into a foreign city not long ago after a lengthy decade, and everything became a month in a moment. Lawrence Durrell once said, your figure forever in the same place, same town and country, sorting letters on a green table from many foreign cities, that feeling emerges victoriously genuine from all attempts to tell me that noting last forever, so why am I still here waiting to compose life perpetually like that?

That was written one month ago.

Right now, Graduation Campaign and final projects are like trains sounding in the distance and you get all excited of a network of relations that never always allows itself to be expressed unitarily, but they are still a process of developing an unknown and everything to handle is currently under the abstract category. I work a lot by feeling. I just have to feel it. If I don’t, then I keep trying. I haven’t found it. But you can’t be like that when handling an awful lot of decisions making, so I am pushing all of that searching into my final projects, looking for something that hasn’t been played before.

And after all this, I don’t mind disappearing.